For what is worth

Posted on 2010/06/27 20:56:41 (June 2010).

[Sunday 27th June 2010]

I have spent the last weekend together with Gianfranco, Federico and Simone at the seaside, to be more precise we slept at Federico's place Livorno and we just chilled out for a couple of days.

The little break was quite great, mostly because the events of the last month have drained a lot of energies from me and it was nice to unplug for a little.

So the weekend was good, guys and girls take note, I repeat the weekend was good.

On Saturday we got talking at dinner about several things, among which the most important was the view that we have on the Role Playing Games nights that every now and then we still manage to have.
To be honest the scope of the discussion in my opinion was a little larger, and here is what got me thinking for quite a bit of time...

How do you rate yourself as a friend? How important is friendship for you?

Ok, far shot here, but this is my take on things:

I always viewed friendship as a very important thing, and by that I mean that I put certain aspects of friendship at the same level as I put the relationship with a partner, who technically is also a friend.

At the same time, since we are not at university anymore, those few times when I make an appointment with some friends, I try not to postpone or cancel unless something major occurs. It doesn't matter what you do, it matters that you see those people.

Well, the whole discussion revolved around the fact that in Simone's view it's ok to ditch an appointment with some friends if there is "something better" to do (from girls, to whatever else is deemed as "better"), and to me that is something that I wouldn't dream of doing in the first place, but it's also a sign of disrespect towards the fact that other people did allot some of their time to be together and cancelling everything because "there is better to do" is not very nice...

I think that the fact that we were talking about RPGs probably created some confusion, as for some strange reason that activity is considered "B" class, but it's not what you do is who you see that drives me to play these games at the green age of 35.

In short, I realized that the efforts that I put in relationships (outside from the couple environment), are probably too many and probably badly addressed.
Sometimes I wish I could be that selfish, I guess that I used to be like that but my parents were very strict on this point and gave me a different education.

I am not saying that I am right or wrong, because there IS no universal approved way of living one's life so I cannot criticize anyone for being different, it's just a different way of attaching value to certain relationships, but it's clear that id doesn't "pay" because I seem to be always disappointed by the way some people behave towards me.

Expectations, that's what ruined my life so far.

I have managed to change a lot and almost nullify the amount of sadness that I get every time someone close turns me down, but still I have not learnt to be totally unaffected by it.

So the question is:

How do you rate yourself as a friend? How important is friendship for you?

A thoughtful piece Lox. As I sit in this silly hotel room I'm glad I can keep in touch with many friends - both on line or on the phone. I know people have their own lives to lead but hope I mean something. That's what friendship is. Family are the only ones compelled to put up with me!

I have one friend who would dump any other friend for the chance of an assignation with a lady! We're still good
friends really and I could trust him to help in a difficult time so perhaps that is all I should expect.

Posted by Nigel at 2010/06/27 21:18:53.

Nigel: Absolutely, in this case I mentioned Simone because the discussion was with him, and we were discussing about ladies, but the same philosophy is applied to every other "better thing", not just females.
Of course I have no grudge against anyone who behaves like that. It's about priorities in life, and I would not change my behaviour and my friendship with him because he sees things differently.
It's just that the whole discussion made me think, hence the post...

Posted by Lox at 2010/06/27 21:42:54.

It is always a pleasure to reply in first person, even though of course my English is not as fluent as Lox’s one. Thus please apologize any possible mistakes.

First of all I want to clarify that we have been starting from GdRs; I personally like GdRs, maybe not as much as Lox, but I like playing with those friends. Nevertheless I consider “particular” to play when being 35 years old, due to the many appointments, duties and tasks we are currently involved into. This is the reason why I basically said that I would prefer to listen to somebody’s other requests, allowing flexibility is someone can not come (for whatever reason that me being a friend of his I DO NOT WANT TO JUDGE) and play another day. This is the level of flexibility I can grant to my friends, and this is the respect I give them. I am on the other side convinced that it is more selfish to allow no flexibility not to spoil one night of fun, since now the appointment is gone and you do not know what to do to enjoy yourself. I also had these situations, especially recently, but never claimed to my friends because they had something different to do. I will not judge them on my fun.

A totally different story is when a person NEEDS you, and not to go to the cinema; I think this is different, and this is a good chance to demonstrate how that person is important for you. This is what I expect from my friends, not for them to create fun for me, but to help me solving my real problems, or just listening to me when I need it.

I hope I have clarified my thoughts, since GdRs and friends are important to me, but I do not think this importance is shown by changing the plans for a cinema to dine out with a lady I am dreaming to have a relationship with since last 6 months.

Sincerely.

Posted by Simone at 2010/06/30 16:31:44.

Yes, I understand this. It is all a part of growing (reluctantly!) older I suppose! Priorities. :-)

Some of my friends - who I know I can still rely on - live and work 150 miles away. It saddens me but these are the decisions we have made over the years. We know we can rely on each other but rarely call upon that favour. Only in times of need. Of course we stay in touch.

Sometimes I want to relive those younger days but (for me!) there is nothing worse than an old man looking like a fool! (though to be honest that would be fun ;-D )

Posted by Nigel at 2010/07/02 22:06:52.

Remember that some of your friends - who you know you can still rely on - live and work right 5 minutes away! ;-)

Posted by Kima at 2010/07/12 09:57:38.

Kima: Never forgot a friend, even if is someone that I do not see often. I miss the evenings on the balcony at your place, maybe the time has come to revamp certain meetings late at night! Thanks for the post I appreciate! :)

Posted by Lox at 2010/07/12 14:53:36.

I am so loving this seires. Friendships have been on my mind as I get closer to 60. I had my daughter when I was 40 so my friends have always been her playmates moms now that she is almost 18 well all those friends are so much younger than me and they just don't get' what changes are going on with me right now so I don't talk with them much anymore. I was really in a yucky place a few weeks ago and a staff assistant in our dept. happened to ask me what was going on she is two years older than me I actually opened up to her and it was so therapeutic to talk with someone who got' what I am going through. Peer friendships are so important. She really gave me a new perspective that day on what was going on with me it was inspiring.

Posted by Leonardo at 2014/05/05 11:49:23.

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