Pretending

Posted on 2006/11/03 16:34:13 (November 2006).

[2nd/3rd November 2006]

I don't feel like writing much, but I need to keep my life running as smoothly as possible considering the recent events.

When Claire left me almost nine years ago, I completely sacrificed six good months of life to grief and pain, and I promised myself that I wasn't going to allow anything like that to happen again.

Now it's a little different, I am older, I cannot let go as there is much more than an exam failed at stake, there is my life on the line.
Still, I keep asking myself what is Marta doing, how's she feeling, and I can only hope that she is coping better than I.

I am starting to review the last five years, all the things said and done, all the mistakes made and all the good things. The more I look back the more I'd like to hit my head on the wall, thinking about all the moments in which I could have just shut up and made her a little happier.

I feel guilty. Guilty of having taken decisions that where aimed at making my life better, not considering 100% the effect that these moves would have on the person that was at my side.

It's quite interesting to see how every person I have spoken to (apart from my uncle), is not considering the hell that I am going through with all the things that I have to worry because of the move and new work, as if I had been working at the post office as an employee for years (no offense to post offices employees, it's a similitude to explain a safe and relatively calm job).

Aside from the mental maze that I am helping to create, Thursday was taken up pretty much by work, setting up appointments for the next week.
In the evening I went playing football again, and once more I have had a lot of compliments from the opponents as I saved a gazzillion shots, unfortunately we lost two to four, two of these goals were taken after I was subbed to go play in attack.
The good news is that the knee managed the game outside the goalposts without any strange pain or problems.

Friday morning was devoted to arranging some of the stuff in the new house, waiting for the big move on Monday. I managed to empty a couple of boxes and now all the clothes and bed linens are safely stored into the wardrobe.
The bigger part of the job will be putting all my paintings on the wall, and once I buy the new furniture that I need, setting up all the books, comics and the rest of the stuff.

I think that if I am lucky I can get the house running 100% by January, until then I will have to live with the boxes around.

Work wise I am gearing up to prepare these presentation, although the real important part of the job (looking for different suppliers) have yet to start, I hope that the Japanese company will give me more time, until I am set up completely I cannot put my mind to it...

That's it really, tomorrow I will go to the Comics Show in Lucca (near Florence), will take some pictures...

Evening Lox!! I hope playing football helped to release some of the tension that must be boiling inside you at the moment.

As for the lady in your life... I don't think having her at your side for love and support would be a bad thing right now. You would feel so much happier with a companion I'm sure. Sharing is one of the great pleasures of a relationship - sharing with someone (who you clearly love) is even better.

:)

Posted by Nigel at 2006/11/03 19:32:24.

You are right Nigel, but it's not an easy situation... I really don't know what to say...

Posted by Lox at 2006/11/03 22:26:26.

Maybe there are too many things to think about but one little start can help...
are you afraid 'cause you don't have or don't see other chance at moment or 'cause you see it?
And other little thing helped me in past...
do you think there is someone can make her happier than you?And for you?
Love is not only one type of love.

Sorry to write in a blog so personal but i think there is a reason if a guy take decision to do it in a pubblic "paper".Anyway just to think.

Posted by A.I.W. at 2006/11/04 19:00:07.

A.I.W.: First of all welcome and keep coming!! My blog should reflect what I am thinking, normally, so also in the past I have had chances to talk about such things.

As for the help, thanks, the questions that you wrote here are more or less among the most important that I ask myself everyday...

Posted by Lox at 2006/11/05 01:02:47.

What kind of paintings do you have?

Lucca. I heard there were many fairs for collectors over there. Even Mussolini's freaks gather once a year in its precinct, no?

Posted by Sheri at 2006/11/05 07:54:59.

Thanks Lore but my reserve in posting a reply on your blog has a reason,
no so important to write about 'cause i have no intention to do it often and maybe again with regard of so personal thoughts.

I was just thinking about all you are writing at the moment (job and some other universal steps too)and surely ,in my opinion, those questions are among my points of direction...to find an answer for ,taking also some pain and good surprise in this travel,sometimes it is much more easy we think.Maybe it is something much more instinctive.

I don't know if i like to write in english...:-)

Posted by A.I.W. at 2006/11/05 10:23:40.

A.I.W.: Now now, we knwo each other then... Interesting. I need to know who you are!! :P
First of all your english is good, so take posting here as a training :)
As for what you wrote, what can I say? Thinking a lot about a certain situation is not the best thing to do. When I asked Marta to come to stay in Florence I did it instinctively, but she refused offering some good old hard core logic.
Now I feel a bit worried about taking the plunge again, and I want to assess the situation a bit better.
If only at least the rest of my life was a bit more stable... I still haven't moved to the new house and there is so much to do for it and for the new job.. .:(

Sheri: They are not expensive paintings, just rarities that I have collected here and there! :) As for Lucca when the Maison is back 100% I will post the new entry...

Posted by Lox at 2006/11/05 11:05:44.

It's no so true to say we know each other,better we crossed sometimes...
Anyway the reason is ,at the end,i was here much more to stole some pictures you took for a special gift i have to do but i put my eyes on a title related to a dear song so i thought to leave a short but naked message to give something in change :-) Not something so precious but something.

I didn't ask to have a answer ,really, (also 'cause personally i'm no so usual in opening this kind of door specially in a ""foreign" place) and i keep myself in a general way to give to you too possibility to stay there (or no answer) but right now i think you are nearer a sort of awareness than few articles ago.
Direction seems to be the same just different "nature" as sun and shadow...maybe is it possible to find a place where persons like the sun for its shadow? You'll see.
For work and home it's a transformation time and i don't know a better word (we instability,insomnia,insecurity and other words with I in!).

Good luck for everything,

vA(nachronism)le In Wonderland

Posted by A.I.W. at 2006/11/07 17:52:29.

vAle.I.W.: So we don't know each other, we just crossed....

May I ask you how did you stumbled in the Maison in the first place? And If I might, which pictures are you interested in? Sorry for asking I am DEAD curious!!!

Unless.... Maybe I know who you are and what kind of pictures you are picking... Are they related to the trip to Cinqueterre by any chance? If that was to be confirmed I do know how you stumbled into the Maison and most importantly who you are... :P

Posted by Lox at 2006/11/07 18:33:56.

Dear Lox
I really can not understand how you are able to write on such personal matters...unbelievable !

I suppose you are not a teenager, anyhow you are not writing to a friend... I believe you are so upside down from recent events that you need people to give you either approval or disapproval...maybe that helps you to be surer but believe Daisy, these are nonsenses...you have to admit to yourself what do you really want from life, your one and the one of other people. Maybe it isn't the right time to take decisions, but you run the risk then, to lose what built up in these years...good luck from me too

Posted by DAISY at 2006/11/07 18:34:34.

TEST

Posted by IO at 2006/11/07 18:53:40.

Daisy: True, but I don't have any problems in writing about personal things. It's part of life to live ups and downs, and I don't feel ashamed to let it out. Moreover other opinions might be important to look at things in a different way, I do not assume that I have all the answers in the world, especially on matters that are very complicated.
The decision anyhow, it's not "up to me", too easy to think that way, there are two people involved.
As for what I want it's not easy to give an answer (I am working on it), it's easier to say that I want Marta to be as happy as possible of this I am sure. As for time to make decisions, don't you think that I have been deciding quite a lot in the last 4 months? (if you know me you'd know, otherwise read the previous posts from July).
Sometimes it's hard enough as it is without additional troubles, and another big decision time looming over me like this one in this very moment I can assure you is quite hard to manage. And I cannot make mistakes.

Posted by Lox at 2006/11/07 19:57:34.

hei Hei, nobody has judged you for not taking decisions..you can do whatever you want....by taking decisions you might make mistakes, but you have to if you want to live. who doesn't ? anyway I don't know all yr story so please forgive me if I went in yr maison....I trust in friends..if somebody has problems it is better for me sometimes to talk having friends face to face...or it is just a matter to through some inside shit somewere just to feel better ?

Posted by DAISY at 2006/11/08 24:11:07.

Daisy: True, but the process of taking decisions might not be as quick as it seems... As for friends I do talk to them (the one close to me under a physical point of view), other friends are only reachable through the Maison... Do not be sorry for having posted, I don't care if you don't know all the details of what happened before (though you can read them if you want) it's just that if this was my ony "issue to solve" at the moment I'd be happy cause it would give me time to concentrate on it. Keep posting if you feel like it, I don't want to discourage anyone!

Posted by Lox at 2006/11/08 16:27:37.

This is a good day,finally i found what i was searching so hard.
Disseminated signs,good intuition and you had who i am but no what i wanted (it's obvious it couldn't be so obvious :-)) and then i feel like to save you from a sad and sure destiny like some curious little oysters before you!

This place remind me to some old dear diary you tried to keep away from parents's eyes when you was younger and as that time it talks in general for me...
sometimes to have a choice is no the most lovely condiction, we need also ineluctable "necessity"!

This place, anyway, it was "necessary" to discover i am among worst thieves in D&D's history and surely my master couldn't be so proud of me :-)

We'll crossed sometimes,
vA.le I.W.

P.S.there is some problem to post comment i think...and i have to leave this bad habit (...) to suspend.

Posted by A.I.W. at 2006/11/12 13:40:02.

A.I.W. + All Others: There are major problems with the blog engine, preventing me from posting new blogs or editing all these double posts that we have had here.

Eventually the links to the main page also died but I think that John managed to fix that at least. He's been busy so the solution to the former problems have not been addressed yet.

IF YOU GET AN ERROR AFTER POSTING DO NOT POST AGAIN, just reload the page and it will be ok.

Coming to what you wrote, I didn't know you were plaing a thief, I'd be interested in knowing what pictures did you take though.... :)

As for my woes nothing has been solved yet, although more time is passing and I am definitely thinking more about Marta and how much I miss her...

Posted by Lox at 2006/11/12 15:29:38.

Ok,Lore,with few but frank words for last time...
you can't have an answer for your question about pics (too many reasons and "one" of them sent me an happy-very understanding message respect my being here just yesterday morning so...argh,my fault!)so i really wonna thank you for this brief but productive time on your pages that they will be soon a vale of smiles if you really want it.

Vale

Posted by A.I.W. at 2006/11/14 21:54:26.

Thanks Vale, I am sure that I'll see ou soon... :)

Posted by Lox at 2006/11/15 08:17:15.

Well this hasn't gone all that smoothly, but at least comments ought to work now.

Posted by John at 2006/11/15 16:22:38.

Actually no that didn't work all that well... Oh what a pain in the arse.

Posted by John at 2006/11/15 16:26:01.

John: I am wondering what is happening with the page indentation, it seems as if there is a mix up of the two pages (main + comment page)...

Posted by Lox at 2006/11/15 17:05:11.

Teething troubles, teething troubles...

Posted by John at 2006/11/15 22:55:00.

There is some really weird behaviour to do with character sets going on that I haven't yet been able to get to the bottom of.

Posted by John at 2006/11/15 22:57:29.

Aggggh I hate character encodings...

Posted by John at 2006/11/15 23:04:21.

Finally I think it has started behaving!

Posted by John at 2006/11/15 23:31:43.

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